Xmen 3 — Frivolous Friendships


As far as friendship goes, men are almost too easy on this one.

Think of most men you know and then picture them hanging out with their friends.

Got a visual?


What sort of images come to mind?

Golf buddies?

Monday night football statisticians?

I call them, fescue friends. You see, where I live, very few people have Bermuda grass growing in their front yards. If they did, the grass would look great for about three months out of the year, mediocre for three more, and like dead, brown hay the other six. So, we have fescue, or winter rye. This stuff looks great almost all year with the exception of about two mediocre months in the winter.

Okay, lawn-care lesson over. I trust youll pick the right grass next time. The point is this. When these guys are out doing the mandatory care on their fescue lawns, they will occasionally look up from their John Deeres and see each other. At that point the real bonding takes place. Its a beautiful thing (thinking of it now almost brings me to tears). Hey Ted, one of them will say to his neighbor…

Ted: How bout that game last night between the Broncos and the Niners? Did you see it?

Bob: Oh yeah, a real barn burner! Hey, what ever happened to Brian Greasy?

Ted: Oh, he just couldn’t keep from getting injured so I guess he had to go.

Bob: Yeah, it’s a good thing they have such an awesome running game or they’d be toast! Speaking of going though, I really need to run. The wife and I are going out tonight. Nice talking to you, Ted.

Ted: Likewise. See you around.




I hope you didn’t miss it!



Read that exchange again, only s-l-o-w-e-r, more carefully.



Did you catch it that time?



The richness?









The depths to which each man stretched in order to establish a meaningful friendship with the other? No? Missed it both times, huh?



Thank goodness! You are like Willy Wanka! The Chocolate Factory is within your reach! You’re not like those other kids, not greedy enough to fall into the chocolate lake like that one rather rotund kid, not obnoxious enough to fall prey to the candy miniaturization machine like the little cowboy kid know-it-all, not—well, you get the idea. Hopefully, conversational exchanges like this leave you felling, um, ahh, well…



NOT feeling at all.



That’s the point. They are meaningless. Just like some of the meaningless expressions we toss each other’s way in order to AVOID conversation. You know the ones I’m talking about.

How ya doin?


Hey dude?

How’s it hanging? *


This little category has a wider range than most. Ninety-nine point nine percent of men fall into this one, from thimble deep accountability partners, to annual promise keeper convention goers, to small group pals on up to life long ‘buddies.’ Everyone has friendships in this category—at this level, but the tragedy is that most people do not have a single friendship beyond this level. And if they won the heavenly friendship lottery and the wizard of Wallabe¨magically conjured one of these once in a lifetime friends for them to go through the journey to extreme manhood with, they wouldn’t have the slightest idea what to make of it.



They’ve never seen it.



They’ve never experienced it.



All they can do is look at the mediocre offerings of friendship all around them and come to the conclusion that that’s all there is. Or, sadist of all, they misinterpret** deep friendship and brotherly love into something twisted and sexual, such as with the true friendship of Jonathan and David in the Bible being used to promote homosexuality.



Give me a break.



I have a best friend. Our friendship reminds me a lot of the great friendships of the Bible such as King David and Jonathan (the way it really was, not the way modern culture spins it). In fact, regarding that spin, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I’m pretty sure my best buddy wouldn’t be at all offended if I told him that I’m just not in the least bit attracted to him in that way.



Hold on a second, let me give him a call…



Nope, said he was actually glad to hear it.


¨ providing his name is, in fact, Ted.


* I mean, come on, does anyone really want to know the answer to this one?!


¨ an ill-tempered character whose spells were originally discovered by backward masking the wonderfully simple yet poetic soundtrack to, Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory.


** pervert